Pages

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Behind Closed Doors

Years ago, before I knew what a "blog" was, I was a member on several open forums (or BBS message boards). They were fun and chaotic. A bunch of strangers becoming friends, surely to never actually meet in real life.

Then that became too hectic. A handful of those internet friends joined an online diary site called LiveJournal (remember that? We're talking pre-MySpace here, people!) So I followed along to keep in touch. It quickly became a comfortable place to share our inner-most thoughts and feelings since we were able to keep the journals private and only viewable to those we chose. Looking back, it was just a really personal blog between friends. It was cheap therapy and I enjoyed it.

Then life got a little too busy to keep up with it. I also started crafting more and decided I wanted to share those crafts with strangers. I just wasn't ready to share my more personal thoughts with strangers. So I moved to Blogger and posted publicly. You won't see too much about my personal side on here. I like to think it's just enough personal stuff for it being a craft blog.

Earlier this week I posted about some recent family tragedy which was more personal than I've ever posted on here. And then I came across several posts today along these lines. Bloggers who were ready to break free of the perceptibly perfect blogging world. Bloggers ready to show that they, too, are flawed and imperfect. So I'm jumping on the bandwagon and sharing some "Things I'm Afraid to Tell You."

It may be a stark contrast compared to my cutesy Little Gray Fox persona, but hopefully you won't hold it against me. ;)

(idea credit to Jess Constable and Ez)



  • I'm a loner. I prefer quiet time by myself over spending time with friends. Which is probably why I don't have a lot of "close" friends. I don't like having to keep up with a bunch of different peoples' drama and such. I have enough of my own - even though I'm fairly drama-free.

  • I wish I had a sense of style. I read blogs with style posts and "what I wore today" pictures and wish that could be me. But I truly have NO sense of style. What did I wear today? A pair of poor-fitting jeans, an old tshirt that may or may not have sweat-rings in the armpits, a tshirt that should've been tossed out three years ago, and, most likely, a ponytail.

  • I wish I was quirky. I suppose this also goes along with style. I wish I had the personality that people were instantly attracted to. I'm pretty bland in that category. Although I do think I have a quick wit and good sense of humor, I just don't think I stand out in a crowd as an interesting person. Especially in a crowd full of intellectuals; big words hurt my head. Perhaps my lack of a college education is to blame.

  • I'm kind of a hard-ass. I won't attack for no reason. But if someone snaps at me first, I will definitely snap back and not back down. That has gotten me into trouble in the past. And it can be pretty stupid when you don't know what the other person is capable of. By the same token, if I see someone being mistreated I will be the first person to jump to their defense.

  • At times I question the road I'm on in life. My job is just something to pay the bills. I'm not passionate about it. That makes me kind of sad, but then I look around and see MOST people aren't passionate about what they do. At least not most people paying the bills. I wish I wasn't so concerned with paying the bills -- maybe then I'd be doing what I love. Although, I'm not sure I know what that is.

  • I wish I was a better photographer. I love taking pictures but I don't think I'm any good at it. I wish I had more time to learn. Maybe that's what I would do if the money didn't matter so much.

  • I'm kind of a slob. The boypiece and I jokingly call it "the pouf". We walk into our room to see big piles of clothing (clean needing to be put away, or dirty needing to be washed) all over. Then he has his piles of work papers, phone, tools, etc. And I have my piles of bills, random receipts, purse innards, etc. So it's the never-ending pouf. You tidy one and another appears.

  • I don't have a relationship with my real father. Sometimes when I watch movies or go to weddings, I get a little choked up about the bride being given away by her father. Even though I don't want a wedding or a marriage. Just knowing that I've missed out on that with my biological father makes me sad. Then I feel guilty for feeling that way because I DO have that relationship with my step-dad. I think it's just the rejection or failure of one relationship. It doesn't get replaced. And sometimes I get mad at myself for even wishing I could repair the relationship. Then I get mad at myself for being too stubborn to try.

14 comments:

  1. You would be surprised but I think about my self the same way Asa-I am pretty sure people(women) don't like me even tho, I like everyone I ever met- and only have hard feelings against every Escrow Office Manager I ever worked with because they are all crazy :) Even if your a loner, Your not alone :)- Thanks for sharing- Tia

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think escrow makes people crazy! I definitely have hardened since starting in the biz. I think it's crazy though cuz you're such a sweet person.

      Delete
  2. I just wanted to thank you for sharing show openly. I was also so sorry to read the news of your grandmother's husband passing so suddenly. I hope that you and your family will find strength in one another through this difficult time. The courage you showed in this post is inspiring to me and I know it will be to others too! Thank you for being a part of this blogging challenge.
    P.S. I'd love to link to you in my blog post amongst the growing list of participants if you are interested.
    xo Ez

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I would be honored to be added to the list :) And thank you so much for your kind words! I'm so glad to have found the posts today!

      Delete
  3. Thanks so much for sharing. I'm kind of a loner too and so do not fit under any description of bubbly and wish I did. Keep being you!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I think most people that have blogs are some what of a loner. I am definitely a loner. I have a few close friends but for the most part I enjoy being by myself and doing things that I like. I tend to get bored easily and want to be right back at home. I spend most of my time working or on the interwebs.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I really prefer calm and quiet time. And that's hard to do when you have to be communicating with someone. If the boypiece was up for it, I would prefer to live on my own. But I also like saving money ;) Plus it's nice to have company sometimes. He understands I need my "wind down" time after work. I'm on the phone, email and around people all day. I need time to just turn off my mind and not have to worry that I'm offending someone

      Delete
  5. I've found people respond really well to hearing about others' vulnerabilities. Most of us trying to muddle through life are often worried that we're the only one who feels a certain way and it can be heartening to know we aren't alone. One of the things I discuss in my blog (in addition to photography, creativity, migraines and disability, and dogs and horses) is mental illness, something that people most people are afraid to discuss, and which we all benefit from knowing more about. That said, as open as I am about mental health, there are certain things that I still only share with my private Livejournal blog, now read by only one person as others have drifted away. Of course, you needn't make your blog a confessional if you have nothing you wish to confess, but if there are things you want to get off your chest, chances are, you'll discover many of the rest of us feel the same way, too!

    http://c-creativity.blogspot.com/

    I'd also like to say that I'm so sorry to hear of your family's loss. Grief, alas, knows no timetable but its own. I hope that the wounds left by the loss of your grandma's husband start to feel a little less raw very soon, though it sounds like he's left a considerable void and will be very much missed.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you so much. we are all trying to cope with the loss and the major change as best as we can. I know it will take time, we just have to remember that it will get better :)

      Delete
  6. Well I can totally relate to some of your 'Things I'm afraid to tell you'! 1, 5, 6 and 8 could be going about me! So don't be afraid to tell such things, everyone can relate to something! And hearing/reading about other people's worries and the things they don't share easily, can give a sense of reassurance and familiarity. I definately won't hold it against you, I promise! Love your blog!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you so much! I think this was a great project and I hope somebody does it again! It was refreshing for me to read others' going through the same thoughts and feelings as I sometimes do

      Delete
  7. I am sorry to hear about your difficulties with making peace with your biological dad. It is wonderful that you have your step-dad to be there for you. Maybe at some point down the road things will change with your biological dad.

    ReplyDelete

Comment ♥ is much appreciated! I ♥ your feedback and just knowing someone is out there reading my little blog! Thanks for your support! If you have your own blog, feel free to leave a link in your comment so I can check it out!

Related Posts with Thumbnails